the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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