I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
