theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
