True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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