I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
