I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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