just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
