Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
