I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Someone came in the potted fern
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
