I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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