If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
