THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
