Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
