There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
