Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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