I hope mine doesn't look like that
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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