i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
