my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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