When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
