my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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