you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
