Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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