I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
