He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
