this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
