Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
