I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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