I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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