dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
