honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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