guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
