He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just high enough for therapy.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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