I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
