dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
