I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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