Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
His nipple licking is glorious
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