He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
