Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
