My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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