I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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