Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
