I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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