I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
