I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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