can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
