I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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