I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
