I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
