I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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