And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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