Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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