I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize