There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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