Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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