Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
