12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
