I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
