Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
