So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
