I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
