Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
