Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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