I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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