i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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