If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
